The 100 things you need to learn about cancer

As much as I love all of you, and as much as this blog has helped me deal with everything from explaining why my couch is awesome and Dawson’s Creek saved my life, I need to finish. Perhaps this week, but most likely the day I write the speech for the Children’s Wish will be the day I post for the last time. Sometimes the bandaid just needs to be ripped off (I’ve used this metaphor before, pardon me). This past year has been so ridiculous, and I need to let go of the person that I am so clearly not anymore.

Well, well, well. It’s that time of year again. It’s my burfffdaiii. At least it is in less than half an hour. And although my birthday has always been a bit strange after realizing the other thing people celebrate on 4/20, this birthday feels particularly strange. Good strange, but still strange. This time last year, I was in major recovery mode. Every single day went like this: sleep until noon, get up, go to the gym, come home and eat a smoked salmon/cream cheese bagel, drink some tea, be home schooled, go to dance, watch dawson’s creek. Repeat. And it was nice, and it was lovely, but it wasn’t real. I knew that this was the calm after the storm, but also the calm before the next. Since last September, it’s been storming pretty hard. Good storms and bad storms, but ultimately, very, very real storms. And I guess that’s the difference between this year and last, and all the other years before, for that matter. Before it was all a “calm”, all some type of dream. Now it’s real, and it’s stormy, but it’s really, really amazing. I’m getting closer and closer to 17 as I write this, and I’m continuing to feel a bit more elated with every word. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, to everyone who has already wished a happy day upon me, and to everyone who will care enough to remember. I have surrounded myself with an UNREAL group of people this year, and that makes you all the calm that gets me through the storm.

So… I GOT ASKED TO SPEAK AT AN EVENT FOR CHILDREN’S WISH. Yep. That’s right. They read my letter, and they read this blog (which you all helped me make!!), and they asked me to replace their celebrity guest at a charity event in June!! I still don’t think that I’ve come to terms with it, it hardly seems real. Obviously by starting this blog, I made a commitment to sharing my story with all of you. And I honestly can’t believe where it’s taken me, and just how many of you have read what I post. Being asked to speak at this event is like one, big culminating achievement. Everything that I’ve worked so hard at, everything that I’ve fought through, and finally, this :). It just makes me so happy, and so thankful that I’ve had all of you along to help me complete this journey. We’re almost done, but I guess babyyy it’s not overrrrr ‘til it’s overrrr.

I HAVE SO MANY GOOD/EXCITING THINGS TO TELL YOU GUYS OMG.

I still have that anecdote about NYC I promised lying around! I’m just not in the mood to tell it, but I’m in the mood to write.

I’ve talked a lot about how music has got me what I’ve been through. Music is my light that never goes out. Music keeps me gold. Music lets me know I’m beautiful. Music helps me to remember, and never to forget. Music is who I will marry, and right now, music is starting to look like a very strange word after typing it so many times.

ANYWAY. The point I’m trying to make is that I have this song. It makes my heart ache, and break. It gives me hope and kicks me when I’m down. It’s Turning Tables by Adele. This song was on my radiation playlist, long before Glee decided it would be good if Gwyneth Paltrow gave it a sing. Regardless of it’s popularity, it’s still a song that accurately describes my relationship with cancer and my outlook on life.

I remember one of the radiation technologists asked me for the name of the song after my treatment one day. It’s always stood out to me that it stood out to her. How did she get why it was the most important song on the CD? I would always hear the group of them listening to the CD, and to be honest, I should have given it to them. The Kanye on that CD took them aback a little.

I’m not even going to bother posting a link to the song, because I know you’ve heard it. But I will post the lyrics. Give them a good read. Think about them a bit, and get back to me.

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we’re fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can’t keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can’t breathe

So, I won’t let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won’t rescue you to just desert me
I can’t give you the heart you think you gave me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you (ooh)
Where love is lost your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down, whoa

I can’t keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can’t breathe

So, I won’t let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won’t rescue you to just desert me
I can’t give you the heart you think you gave me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
Turning tables

Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won’t let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won’t rescue you to just desert me
I can’t give you the heart you think you gave me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables, yeah
Turning, oh

Well, this is the craziest feeling. I started this blog a little less than a year ago, thinking that I would never, ever get to the end of 100 things. I figured that I’d never get through it, or that no one would ever read it. And now, here I am, with only ten posts left. I’ve kind of been avoiding posting because every time I think about posting here for the last time, it’s leaves a huge hole in my heart. Last year, the entire direction of my life changed, and you wonderful people are honestly the only way that I made it through it all. I was defined by what I did, and suddenly, I was being defined by who I was, for the first time ever. It was a scary experience, and for a while, I felt extremely misunderstood. Then, I started this blog, and all of you helped it, and me, grow into what it is, and I am, today.

But our ride together isn’t over. Although I’m determined to be finished by the beginning of April, we’ve still got 10 more posts together. AND if you guys are lovely enough, you’ll follow me over to my new music blog that I just started with the lovely Daniella. Check us out at www.soundtrackstoourlives.tumblr.com

I’m off to NYC in a few hours, and I’ve got a really good New York story to tell you all when I get back. I’m pretty sure I can say that it’s the greatest city in the entire world, and I’m absolutely thrilled to be there for a few days. I also posted my NYC 2012 playlist on the music blog (coughblogpromotioncough), and I’d love it if you guys had a listen.

YOU READY FOR THE TOP 10? I don’t even know if I am…